A few years ago, I wrote a post titled I Believe God Told Me Who My Husband Is, about what to do when you think God has shown you who your husband will be and how to discern if it’s just your flesh. The post has gotten a lot of traffic, many comments and I have received many emails with stories and questions. I’ve gone through some of the comments and have heard many stories from different people about this topic, some good, some not so good. This is a topic that isn’t talked about much but so many people (males and females) go through it and don’t quite know what to do. In this post, I will tackle a few more commonly asked questions and situations that I have come across. I pray that it brings even greater clarity and it helps many discern if their flesh has been deceiving them.
Before reading this post I recommend you read the original post here.
1. Waiting does not mean being obsessed over the situation or sitting around doing nothing.
When we say we are “waiting on God” to bring a promise to past, it means we are not trying to do it ourselves or our way. It means we are trusting God to do it His way and doing exactly what God has asked us to do during our time of waiting. People often ask me, “what do I do while I wait?” While you wait you trust God, trust His timing, and trust His ways. While you wait you continue to be faithful in every area of your life and you continue to live a righteous life unto God. God does a lot in and through us in the “waiting” season, He doesn’t just expect us to sit around and day-dream or obsess over the situation/promise. If you’re constantly thinking about the person or constantly thinking about getting married, you are wasting time and you’re feeding yourself the wrong things. Get in the word, fall deeper in love with Jesus, serve others, be a good steward at your job, work on being a better student, love on your friends and family – simply put, ENJOY LIFE and live a life that is pleasing to God in every area!! Sitting around obsessing over the promise will not make it come any faster, if anything, it may prolong it because you have made it an idol. God does not want us idolizing His promises, He wants us to have faith in Him that He will bring it to fruition and to desire Him more than we desire the things He can give us.
2. Do not rely on just dreams, TEST THE SPIRIT.
Do you know that when you think about something a lot, you could end up dreaming about that very thing? Or that when you desire something really bad, you can end up dreaming about exactly what your heart desires? Ecclesiastes 5:3 says, “A dream comes through many cares (NIV).” When your mind is preoccupied with something, you can end up dreaming about it and even dreaming exactly what your heart hopes/wants concerning that situation. A dream should never be your final or only confirmation. I know many people who have had dreams upon dreams that someone was their husband and things in the natural “seemed” to be pointing to what they dreamed about but in the end, they were wrong. Your own heart, desires, and imagination can literally fool you. The enemy can give you dreams and send you “confirmations” to distract and confuse you. Satan’s job is to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10), so he wants to use false dreams and confirmations to distract you in your relationship with the Lord, kill your faith and confidence in God when the dreams don’t come to pass and use it to cause you to stray from God altogether. Dreams can come from God, the enemy, or your own flesh. It is never wise to assume that every dream that you have comes from God, ESPECIALLY if it’s something that you really want or that pleases your flesh. And it doesn’t matter how spiritually mature you are. Don’t put anything past your flesh, don’t assume that you can’t be deceived by your own flesh just because you are older in the faith; pride comes before the fall. Test that dream(s), seek God about them. Ask God for the source of the dream and ask for an interpretation if it is from Him. Sometimes we can misinterpret the meaning of a dream and make it appear to mean something that our heart really wants. God won’t leave us in the dark about these things, but we have to seek Him. And if you had a dream and have asked God about it but have not gotten an answer, LEAVE IT ALONE! If God isn’t talking about it, then you shouldn’t either. It is so much better to err on the side of caution than to jump at every dream you have about a spouse, especially if you know you are not in that season. I wholeheartedly believe that God is well able to get a message across to His children, but we just need to be still enough and allow Him to teach us how to hear Him.
3. Pay attention to red flags and measure the situation by the word of God.
I often hear stories like, “God sent this ‘godly’ man into my life, God showed me he is my husband but eventually he started asking for sex/he stopped going to church and is acting like a different person/he started doing ungodly things/ we had sex and got pregnant and now he’s telling me to get an abortion… but God told me he’s my husband…” Or worse, “God showed me this guy is my husband, but he’s not saved.” Sis/bro! Please do not ignore the red flags! Please do not ignore CLEAR guidelines in that word of what a man/woman of God should look like! If someone is truly godly and truly sent from God, then THEIR LIFE WILL LINE UP WITH THE CHARACTER OF GOD. If they claim to be a man/woman of God and start off going to church with you but eventually begin to act differently after they get in a relationship with you, they were putting on a mask and who they really are is coming out – RUN!! God will not tell you that someone is your husband or wife if they are not even submitted to Him first. Why would God give you a spouse that isn’t even His son or daughter yet? Why would HE give you one of Satan’s kids? (If they aren’t a child of God then who do they really belong to? Think about it.) The Bible clearly says, “do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (see 1 Corinthians 6:14-17). There is no way to go around that verse, there are no loopholes around it. If you are not in your word it is so easy to get fooled by pretenders. There are many men and women in churches and Christian circles looking for a good Christian woman/man. Pay attention and measure their life and actions by God’s word first, not by a dream or vision that you had. (And this is not to say that the person should be perfect, they will be a work in progress just like you are, but their life will reflect Christ and you should see progressive change in them). You could be dreaming about a snake and not even know it until you get into a relationship with them. At the end of that relationship, don’t claim to be confused about the bad results when God was trying to show you all along. God will always give warning before destruction. Many negative things that people find themselves in could easily be avoided if they would just heed the instruction and warning of God. Sometimes God will use other people to warn you and point out things that you can’t see. Consider the warnings of others, don’t be quick to brush it off. If someone is asking you to have sex with them, THEY ARE NOT FROM GOD!! God will never send you someone who will destroy your life. It is not God’s will for you to be left broken, used, to be a single mother or someone’s baby mama! Don’t desire a marriage/relationship so bad that you ignore clear standards written out in God’s word. Study God’s word to show yourself approved unto Him (2 Tim. 2:15) so that you don’t get deceived when someone comes to you.
4. There should be confirmation outside of yourself.
Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” In the multitude of counselors there is safety. I believe that when God gives you a word, especially about something as important as a life partner, He will confirm it through other people. If you are your only confirmation and your only witness, then you’re more likely to be wrong. Ask yourself, who are your witnesses? Now God may not give you witnesses/confirmation through other people right away, but in the meantime, you should leave the situation alone until He does. You cannot trust your own heart. Likewise, you and the other person also shouldn’t be your own witnesses. Whenever God is doing something, I strongly believe that He confirms it to more than one person. Your own heart can fool you! If you want to be with the person so bad that you don’t care to have other confirmation of witnesses or care to wait until God gives one, then that is a huge sign that what you saw or heard came from you and not from God. God will ALWAYS back up His word. Why wouldn’t you want total assurance concerning something as big as who you will spend the rest of your life with? I have come across couples who had no witnesses or confirmation except themselves. Even their spiritual leaders did not have peace about the relationship. It was clear to everyone else that they got together in their flesh. They wanted to be together so bad that they didn’t really care what God had to say about it, they connived themselves that God was leading them in that direction. This is so dangerous because you never know what the fruit of your disobedience will be. It’s better to wait on God and do it His way. It’s better to have complete peace in knowing that God is joining the two of you together than to be uncertain about the outcome. Some couples end of breaking up or divorcing and others have to go through a lot of shaking, breaking, and uprooting in order for God to build it back up and do it His way, and some don’t make it through that process. Some couples find out that the person they married is not really who they portrayed themselves to be. So many people are living in broken marriages today because they did not want to wait on God, they wanted what they wanted. There’s a common saying that says, it’s better to wait long than to marry wrong. Marriage is already not as easy as it is, why add more burdens to it by entering a marriage that God never ordained? Psalm 127: 1 says, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; Unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” Unless the Lord put that house together it is not guaranteed to stand. God is not obligated to make your vision and your desires work out, He is only obligated to HIS word. You don’t know what the other side of your disobedience will look like, so while you still have the chance, wait on the Lord. And if God isn’t saying anything about it after a long period of time, LET IT GO.
5. You can’t force someone to believe you or to marry you.
Just like salvation is a choice, marriage is also a choice – a very important choice. God showed me who my husband was over 2.5 years before he even knew I was his wife. I had to CHOOSE to believe God and accept who He had for me. God did not force me to say yes to Him, I still had to make that conscious decision. Likewise, when my now husband heard from God that I was his wife, he had to CHOOSE to believe God and accept me as his wife. We believed God by faith. Although we were not each other’s ideal choice (who we would have chosen in ourselves), we were at a place in our individual relationships with God where we trusted God’s plan for our lives, were submitted to Him, believed that He had a specific spouse for us and wanted His best and His will for our lives. As we CHOOSE to believe and trust God’s choice for us, things began to unfold and the love and affection for one another began to develop. If you have read my testimony of how God added my husband to me (you can read it here), you know that I never said a word to my husband during those 2.5 years of knowing. I knew that God’s word clearly said that the man finds the woman, not the other way around (Proverbs 18:22). I knew that it would go against scripture if I went to him and tried to force him to believe what God told ME. God had to tell the BOTH of us in His time and in His way. It was not our place to try to convince each other of what God told us. When God was ready, He told my now husband without my help. When my husband came to me about what God told him, I didn’t have to convince or pursued him, he had already heard from God himself. Each party has to hear from God, and they have to CHOOSE to obey God in what He said. Now that we’ve been married for over 4 years, I know from personal experience that marriage is not easy, it comes with many challenges and difficult seasons. Through the difficult times, God ALWAYS reminds me that HE established this marriage and therefore HE will see us through everything that we face. Because I got a word FROM GOD and not man concerning this union, I can stand on that word. If a man had convinced me that I was his wife and I didn’t have full assurance from God Himself, then when the storms and trials came, I would not be able to stand firm on the word of a man. Man can fail us, but God can never fail. When the both of you are fully assured that God built your house and that it’s built upon His word (Psalm 127:1, Matt. 7:24-27), you can both have full assurance that no matter what you face together, God will see you through it.
Furthermore, when you try to convince someone that they are your God-ordained spouse, it can put unnecessary pressure on them and can quickly turn into manipulation. God does not manipulate us to do anything. He gives us a word and sometimes a warning and He allows us to make the choice. If that person is really your God-ordained spouse, allow them to hear from God for themselves. If you are the male in the relationship and God has led you to tell a young lady that she is your wife, tell her, and from there allow God to show her the same thing. Don’t try to force her to believe. If it is truly from God, He will eventually show her the same thing He showed you. I personally know a couple where God told the man first, he went to the woman about it and she said no. He was confused but God reassured Him that the word was from Him. He waited patiently and continued on as her brother in Christ, he never spoke to her about it again and never pressured her. Over a year later God began to tell the woman that he really was her husband. She eventually had to go back to him and tell him what God told her. GOD’S WORD came to pass. In GOD’S timing, He told the woman and in HIS timing, they got married and have been married for one year now. The guy didn’t force her, he trusted God and allowed Him to tell her. He operated in the nature and character of God in that situation. He didn’t tell other people and try to get other people to convince her that she was his wife – that would have been manipulation. God is not a manipulator, so if you are trying to manipulate someone to believe what God told YOU, you are not operating under the Spirit of God but under the spirit of Satan. Do it in God’s order and you will be blessed.
Now that you have gone through these points and the original post and have sought the Lord, maybe you realized that you were wrong all along about who you thought was your spouse. It can be a very heartbreaking and disappointing situation but it’s not the end of the world. Here are some tips on what to do when you discover that you were wrong.
- Admit your fault and forgive yourself – the first step to repentance is admitting that you were wrong. Quickly own up to the mistake and quickly forgive yourself. The Bible says that we are carried away by our own lusts (James 1:14). It is our own lust (or desire) that causes us to be led astray. When I want something bad enough then the devil can tempt me with it. But if I don’t desire that thing then the devil can’t use it as bait. Recognize your fault so that you can grow and move on.
- Don’t put the blame on God – So many people begin to question God when things like this happen. However, I think it’s because they don’t understand just how wicked and deceiving the flesh is. YOUR FLESH CAN DECEIVE YOU so much that you actually believe that it is God. God did not tell you that that person was your spouse, you cannot put the blame on Him. We can want something so bad that we miss God altogether. This is why it’s so important to seek God about something and involve wise God is not a trickster or a deceiver, He doesn’t dangle something in your face and have you chasing it aimlessly only to have you to be ashamed in the end. God does not play on our feelings or emotions and He is not the author of confusion. Those are all traits of Satan. When God says something, He does not lie, He performs it (Num. 23:19, Isaiah 55:11). When you really study the Word of God and study the nature of God, you can better discern when God was/is in something or if it was the enemy all along. God does not lead His children astray. He will, however, cause all things to work together for your good (Romans 8:28) if you repent, admit your fault, continue to love Him and surrender to HIS purpose for your life. What the enemy meant for evil, God will turn around for your good. You can end up using this situation to help so many people not make the same mistake. This is not the end for you.
- Learn from your mistake – Learn from this situation. Ask God to show you exactly where you went wrong so you can be cautious of your own fleshly ways (we all have them, that’s why we ALL have to crucify our flesh). It takes great humility to admit that you were wrong and allow God to teach you things through your own mistakes. Some wisdom can only be gained through experience. This kind of situation really teaches you about your own flesh and it should cause you to want to draw closer to God so that you don’t repeat the same mistake.
- Be cautious going forward, but don’t lose hope – DO NOT LOSE HOPE! Although you made a mistake, God is still able and it if is His will, He can still add someone to you. Don’t walk around with shame, guilt, or bitterness. Let it go, move on, and know that God has better for you.
If you’ve read some of my other blog posts, and even the “About this Blog” page, you know that my greatest desire and purpose for this blog is to help people draw closer to God and live a life a total surrender to Him. Relationships are important to God, but they should never supersede our relationship with The Creator. As you draw closer to God, He will give you insight and wisdom on relationships and people in your life that you may be interested in or vice versa. The key is GOD Himself, not a relationship. Check your heart and make sure that you do not have an unhealthy desire to be married or to be in a relationship. If you do, no matter how much you appear to be pursuing God, you will continue to find yourself broken from one relationship (or desired relationship) after the next. Let’s get back to the main thing — JESUS CHRIST. He should be the center of our affection, our focus, and our greatest heart’s desire, not a spouse. I’ve been married for over 4 years now and I can still say that no man or marriage can satisfy you more than Jesus Christ Himself. My husband and marriage cannot and do not sustain me and they are not my greatest joy, Jesus Christ sustains me, and HE is my greatest joy for now and forever more. Pursue God!
I sincerely pray that this blog post helps someone discern if what they are hearing/seeing is from God and prevents you from making a heartbreaking mistake. There is too much mess taking place in the Body of Christ, especially in the area of relationships. You don’t have to make these mistakes if you truly submit to God and heed wisdom when you hear it. ❤
“Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
Love her, and she will watch over you.
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.”
– Proverbs 4:6-7